Things Not To Do While Intoxicated

Warning: Avoid While Drunk

People drink for many reasons. Stress busting is right up at the top of the list. With the job market being what it is, you have about a one-in-ten chance of being unemployed, meaning that you have too much time on your hands and lots of stress to deal with. Loosening of inhibitions has always been a popular reason to drink, and that's where people get themselves in trouble. Things that seem like a good idea when hammered... usually aren't.

• DON'T cut your own hair. Even if you're unemployed and you think it'll save money. This one isn't even a good idea when you're sober. You might think you know how to do it, but believe it— you don't. Take it from someone who knows. You do not want to wind up shaving your head and starting over, and that can be the end result.

• DON'T engage in feats of strength. This can mean arm-wrestling, tearing phone books in half, bending skillets, breaking concrete blocks or wrasslin' other drunks. Dude, you can’t bench-press 300 lbs. Maybe that other guy can, but you can't. Don't do something that's going to wind up with you in the emergency room just because you're liquored up.

• DON'T get tattooed. If you're going to get tattooed, get it done when you're sober and have your wits about you. Even if you are tattooed already, getting one when you've been drinking isn't a good idea because you're likelier to get some stupid like Yosemite Sam or sailor design off the shop's flash sheet since your judgment's down. Plus you're likelier to bleed like a stuck pig while you're under the gun. For a lot of the shops, this is a no-go. They will not work on you if they even suspect that you've been drinking.

• DON'T email your boss. Even if you don't have any issues with him. It's just not smart.

• DON'T DRIVE. DON'T DRIVE— DO NOT DRIVE. Nobody should even have to tell you this.

• DON'T ask the band if you can sit in. They won't appreciate it, and they probably won't let you. If they do, they, you and everyone in the crowd will wish they hadn't.

• DON'T mouth off to a cop, even if he deserves it. Don't joke around with them, either. Matter of fact, just don't talk to cops at all if you're loaded. The cop might just decide that you're a candidate for a public intoxication charge and your evening might not end well at all.

• DON'T order stuff off the TV. No, you don't really need GIRLS GONE WILD IV. Save your money, you might need it if you become part of the 10 per cent that's without a job.

• DON'T have another beer when you get home. Yeah, it seems like a good idea, what can one more beer hurt, right? Well, it isn't. You're better off chugging some water when you get home, so you can head off the dehydration part of the next day's hangover.

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